I covered my mouth in horror…

In my research over the years I’ve heard all kinds of stories–of course some have been more surprising than others.  Because of this I always tell clients they’re in a safe place and it’s difficult to shock me.  On February 1, 2017, I was interviewed by Michael Leahy, author of Porn Nation. In that interview he told me something that made me recoil in horror.  I don’t think I’ll ever forget what he said.

The video is linked to YouTube.  Just click the links “Part 1,” “Part 2” and “Part 3.”

Part 1:
0.00 Introduction / Prayer / Logistics
5:09 Lori’s Story (when she found her purpose in life, but first…)
7.08 When she learned about Jay’s Porn problem (why she married anyway)
8.44 The lies started before we were married
10.23 His confessions, and what she did to help
12.54 How she became his accountability partner
13.56 Then the lies started
14.55 How she got him to confess
16.01 Little details and lie detector tests
17.33 The tools she used to confront him
18.36 What she wished she’d known (a caution for partners)
20.15 Needing to know vs. obsessing
20.50 Staggered disclosure kills her
21.25 “Do I stay?” (What changed her mind)
22.43 “It’s no-joke traumatizing”
23.07 When to move on…

Part 2:
0.0 How this time was different
1.18 How her relationship with God was tested
3.50 Hell and heaven at the same time
4.43 “We did it all backwards” (His sobriety)
8.37 The hardest thing all this leads to is…
9.54 What really pisses her off (“Co-Dependency” and what it really is)
11.54 Dependency can be good
14.28 How Michael’s wife was impacted (Lori was horrified)
16.17 Women who are fighters
20.28 A big breakthrough for the host
23.05 You have a right to a good life too
26.04 “Who do I want to become?” (The anger that helps)

Part 3:
0.0 Michaels promise and Lori’s handout
1.18 Words of hope for you
5.02 What if he doesn’t want to quit porn… is there hope?
7.00 At the very least (what will change?)
7.33 What she’d do differently (All the tools are out there, but…)
9.06 Michael’s confidence in Lori and Jay
11.22 Lori’s final message to wives / closing prayer
15.19 Right NOW (Their bad week)

Comments 4

  1. Lori,

    I felt we had a breakthrough last night. He actually called and talked to me on his way home from a bible meeting. He’s admitted before calling and talking to his first wife on the way home from classes. It really gave me a ray of hope.
    It didn’t last long. I tried to call him on his way to work this morning. It rang and rang and finally went to vcm. This is 630am. The car announces calls. I have a sick feeling he was talking to her this morning and ignored my call. He texted when he got to work that he saw he missed my call. So discouraged again…. it has been 5 1/2 months since he admitted to cheating with her and being addicted to porn.
    It’s been a nightmare!!!!

    1. Post
      Author

      Again, I wish you weren’t going through this.

      Don’t you sometimes wish the guys would pick a side and stick with it? This going back and forth is so hurtful. You need more peace of mind, so do what you need to to take care of yourself, Boo.

      1. Lori, I am so wish you washy.
        He told me he is telling her he loves her. I was so brokers I slept on the couch for 3 nights. He told me if that is all I’m gonna do it really isn’t going to be effective to make him do anything different.
        Then I hear sermons on Jesus’ obedience and sacrifice all the way to the cross. I then think I need to continue treating him as my husband even though he doesn’t treat me like a wife. Unconditional love. Then I think if I do, there is no consequences for his unfaithful actions. I’m NOT looking for revenge. I’m looking for love and respect from him.
        How much do I take? For how long?

        Boo

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          Author

          Boo, you asked, “How much do I take? For how long?” and you mentioned Jesus’ obedience and self-sacrificial love and how it confused you in light of your current situation.

          Be careful about NOT looking at the full truth of God and his word, because I don’t think he ever intends us to stay in emotionally abusive situations. This is what I mean:

          We all know God didn’t give, “Turn the other cheek,” to us to enable people to physically abuse us, right?

          So we can assume what he mean was, “Turn the other cheek, IF it will heal the one striking you.”

          So if you think continuing in your current situation will heal your husband, just make sure you’re extremely well supported by your friends and family in order to do so.

          If you think it would heal your husband if you sacrificed the relationship or current living arrangement so you can get some distance and healing, then pray to see if this may be God’s path for you.

          I say this because there’s a deeper reality that women usually miss: even though porn use and affairs are extremely difficult, women still stay. They usually stay because there is something even more difficult than the fallout of a man’s porn use, and that is the hard work of setting boundaries.

          If it was all about self-sacrificial love, God never would have allowed the thing about church discipline to be put in the Bible (Matthew 18:15-20). I believe he put that in there because he doesn’t want grace to be turned into a license to continue to act out (a.k.a.: “enabling”).

          Something else to keep in mind is God doesn’t wait around forever, so I don’t think he expects wives to do so either. He allows people to live with the consequences of their choices–even after they die. He doesn’t wait around forever… he let’s people choose hell.

          He offers love and forgiveness, but people have to choose to receive those things–and truly receiving love and forgiveness usually leads to a radically changed life.

          So, if your guy isn’t humbly receiving your love and forgiveness, then let his actions teach you about how he wants to live his life. And allow him to eat the fruit of his choices.

          Why? Because God does.

          Now, that doesn’t always mean the wife’s only choice is to stay or leave. There are many different levels of boundaries a woman can set in order to get enough distance to feel safe, but in this situation, God has said adultery is a reason for setting the strictest of boundaries.

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