I’ve heard women nowadays are more apt to develop their own porn involvement. In certain situations, I wouldn’t blame them. I wouldn’t suggest it, but I also wouldn’t blame them.
I didn’t feel led to do this. In fact, I did the opposite.
If I felt any attraction lingering for more than a moment or two, I would bring it up with my husband or a close friend. I didn’t want to invite another mess between us. Plus, I’d always found exposing these sorts of things was the quickest way to keep them from gaining traction.
I wish I could say I was just that good a person, but I have to be honest: part of it was an effort to bargain for my husband’s faithfulness, and part of it was I simply didn’t need the freaking distraction.
Early in our marriage, when a guy would show interest in me, I would be offended, “How dare you try to rip us apart!” But when we were being ripped apart by other things, I became too tired to even think about taking on a secret lover.
And not that I wasn’t tempted. At one point, the distance between us was so great other men started looking like an option. But still, I kept my head on straight and asked my friends to hold me accountable.
I didn’t get even by looking into other men because I didn’t want to empower the negativity between us.
I would never have a more committed relationship
by becoming less committed.
Plus, how could I have him understand how much
he’d offended me If I was okay with offending him the same way?
So I never tried to level the playing field this way. And I have to admit, I am glad I don’t have those regrets.
Next time, I’ll go into how I did level the playing field.