Not Just Looking Away, but Learning to See

When my husband works with guys, he tells them he will not only be helping them with sexual integrity issues, he will also be helping them in their relationships.

Some guys say, “I’ve stopped doing all that. Why is she still distant?” What they don’t understand is this: It’s more than just not acting out.

If you’ve been through sexual betrayal then you know it’s not just about the acting out. You know the worst part is everything else that comes with it.

That’s why I always say, “It’s never just the (affairs/ prostitutes/etc.)” In 20+ years of looking at the issue, there’ve also been lying and anger issues 99% of the time.

While those are the more problematic issues, something even deeper can help them.

Because it’s not just about controlling himself when he’s angry.
It’s not just about being honest.
It’s not just about looking away from other women.

It’s about seeing with new eyes.

He needs to see his creator and himself with a new perspective, yes, but where his marriage is concerned he especially needs to see his spouse with new eyes.

She doesn’t need him to just stop looking at other women.

She needs him to start looking at her so he can see who she really is… and what all this has done to her.

She needs him to learn it’s not just about looking away. It’s also about learning to see.

Comments 5

  1. So true! I found out my husband was looking at pornography, 6 mths later, he took a picture of me on his phone while I was in the shower!! ! I’ve never been so destroyed! We are doing our own counseling, and marriage counseling but I really need him to see my pain, see what he’s done to me. How does this ever happen?

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      Oh, no! I hate hearing that. I would feel so violated (and personally would want to break the phone.)

      How does it happen? I think it is due to porn either taking away certain parts of the brain that honors others, or keeps it from forming in the first place. It definitely affects the “predicting consequences of actions” part of the brain.

      I wish I knew exactly.

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      Thank you for supporting this kind of post enough to ask for more. You’ve got my wheels turning, In His Grip! (Good to see you out here again.)

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