My Heart as it Is

I started writing this last year after learning my mother had cancer—a wicked amount that had grown up through her body like a weed.

On her 50th Anniversary, I asked her what words of wisdom she had. She said three words, “Find your voice.” So while she died last September, I think she would want me to pass this on to you, to help you find your voice in a place where you’re the safest.

I feel it in my bones… I’m coming to the end of myself.
Need to be with God.
Need to sleep.
Need to cry… again.

I am not going to get up from this one full of smiles and springtime fresh hope, because more needs to be done.

I don’t understand this trial. It makes me angry. I hate it.

The longer I live, the less I truly know about God. He is more of a mystery than when I first came to know Him. He allows things I will never understand.

And I am okay with that, because what I do understand about Him is this:
1) He knows me and the people who are important to me.
2) He cares about us.
3) He wants my heart.

So I could say, “My faith is strong, and my God is stronger,” but I am sick of trying to put a good face on this.

This isn’t sin. This is honesty.

And because God wants my heart, I have to give it to Him.

Just as it is–full of grief and rage.

And this gives me hope.

What about you?
Are you at a place where the only thing you can offer Him is yourself, exactly as you are in this moment?
Between you and me, I think your doing so makes Him smile.

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