I used to feel like a big baby because my husband’s betrayal hit me so hard.
I’d felt external (and internal) pressure to ‘just get over it,’ and I hated the fact that I couldn’t.
If I could have I would have, but I couldn’t.
This time was different. It wasn’t just the porn. This time he’d looked in my eyes and lied to me every night for four years straight. This time he said he turned to porn because I looked a certain way and acted a certain way.
This one hurt!!!
And I didn’t want to feel it anymore! I wanted to harden myself, to take my heart off my sleeve and put it back where it belonged… to deaden all feeling if I had to.
I wanted this because it was excruciating! Sometimes his words were so agonizing I wanted to peel my own face off–not his; my own!
I felt so stuck, so uncared for, so silenced. I hated myself for not being enough. I hated myself for being “too much.”
And I hated myself for hurting this deeply.
Then God in His grace led me to a new understanding.
I began seeing reports of how scientists were discovering that emotional pain lit up the same regions in the brain as physical pain–and sometimes to the same degree. (The regions affected as the anterior insula and the anterior cingulate cortex, two areas that handle a few functions including our emotions.)
So many studies have been done on this finding, it is now widely accepted to be true.
This news helped me understand why my husband’s actions hurt me so much: It was as if I’d been physically struck.
But there was more than one strike. Because my husband had lied to me every night for four years, when the truth finally came out it was as if all the ‘physical strikes’ of his betrayals had been unleashed on me all at once—one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight… One sharp blow after another.
One for every time he’d betrayed me. One for every lie. One for every time he tried to make it my fault.
This is when it began to make sense to me. I mean, if a stranger had beaten me up like that and left me bleeding in an alley, of course I’d be in pain.
But this was my husband–a man
who was given to me
to protect me from that kind of attack.
As the depth of the pain began making sense, I began to give myself more grace to feel the pain…
and once I did that, I knew I had to do something about it in order to take care of myself!
For Those Who Are Still “Feeling It”
If you’re still reeling from your husband’s betrayal, or you feel pressure about it from others, I’d like to say,
“You have every right to feel the pain of it. It’s a real thing!
It’s hitting your brain, and it’s hitting your brain hard!
It’s okay to not be okay with it.
I’d also like to say I hope you’re more patient with yourself than I was.
I hope you’re taking care of yourself.
Because you really are going through a lot.”
I’d also like to say this website is intended to be a safe place for you, yet I’ve noticed there are so many ladies who haven’t shared their stories. (Now, I don’t say this to make you feel bad if you haven’t shared your story yet… not at all. It can be a scary thing, especially if you’ve felt external pressure from others to not hurt over this.)
I only said for this reason: If you need a place to put a voice to the pain you’re going through with NO fear of judgment, feel free to email me. I’m pretty good at meeting women where they are.