“I’m not in lust with you.”

I was asked recently:
“What does it mean when your husband says he loves you but is not in lust with you?”

Here was my answer:

It may indicate he’s a little confused about a few things, namely:

  • It may mean he finds other women attractive… and tempted to rank that attraction as more important than his love for you, which can be devastating to a wife.
  • It may mean he misunderstood his own role in keeping the marriage bed great… for both of you.
  • It may mean he doesn’t know that lust usually denotes our ‘taking’ side, yet this taking side of us can damage relationships,
  • It may mean he doesn’t understand that if he were to exercise his ‘giving’ side within the marriage, he’d be way more fulfilled than if he ‘took’ from others all day long.

But just him saying that to you can cause a rising tide of confusion, concern and betrayal, which can be very painful.

If so, be sure to address that pain as valid, legitimate and as a natural outcome of his words to you.

(In short, do what you need to do in order to feel safe.)

For your sake, I am encouraged he still loves you, but if he keeps saying things like this, I suggest seeing someone who’s been trained in partner betrayal issues.


  • to help him understand how to love you more fully
  • to help you heal from any damage his comment(s) cause and
  • to help you both restore any trust that may have been lost by his somewhat careless words

… then his ‘desire-for-you-that-borders-on-lust’ can come back naturally.