Tag Archive

The storms your husband never dealt with didn’t disappear. You’re living inside some of them right now.

If you’re carrying the weight of betrayal trauma, you already know what it’s like to live with a man who is physically present but emotionally gone. This whole series has been about the seven things a man builds to prepare for the storms of life. This is where I tell you what all of it was actually for, and why it matters so much to you.

A man who never learned to face his losses doesn’t escape them. He carries them. And what he carries lands on you, as emotional distance, numbness, resentment, a shorter temper than the moment deserves. I know, because for years I was that man. I lost a marriage, a career, people I loved, and I buried all of it. When Lori married me, she married a man who was checked out and didn’t know why. That wasn’t her fault. But she felt every bit of it.

In this video I talk about how a husband in recovery who’s still playing the victim will try to hand you the blame, for his mood, his distance, his losses, and why his storms are not your fault and not yours to fix. I talk about how to tell the difference between a man who is grieving and a man who is running, so you can trust what your intuition is already telling you. And I talk about why, even when every instinct says protect him, you actually want him to go through the storm instead of around it. A man who has grieved his losses can finally be present with you. A man who’s still running never can.

If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US).

Next: we start naming the specific storms one by one, beginning with loneliness.

If he’s ready, send him to StormReadyMen.com to take the assessment.

Explore the C.U.R.E. Method at TheCoupleCure.com.

Timestamps
0:00 The storms he never faced
0:32 What the seven stones were for
1:10 My worst run of losses
2:33 If he’s not facing his pain
3:09 How unfaced storms show up in him
3:35 What it looked like at home
5:26 What he does with the blame
6:33 The lie: it was all your fault
7:19 A victim hands you the blame
7:40 Not your fault, not yours to fix
8:11 Why you want him in the storm
8:45 Resilience: transformed, not spared
9:57 He stops making you carry it
9:58 This week: notice, don’t manage
10:20 Next: the storm of loneliness

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Next Steps & Resources:

• Explore the C.U.R.E. Method: https://thecouplecure.com
• Join Storm Ready Men: https://stormreadymen.com
• The Basics of Rebuilding Trust: https://jayandloripyatt.gumroad.com/l/LzMJm
• New to the Channel? Start with our 5 seasons of foundational content here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLitabWxO9iDI1-ByymvBpwaiTB0sozSjL

We want to hear from you—how can we best support you in this new season? Let us know in the comments.

To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/28EfZh4vJ4yQbbwg6i57W02

— Who is This Channel For? If your marriage has been impacted by addiction — whether you’re the one struggling or the one carrying the pain — this channel is for you. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s compulsive pornography use. We found a way through it. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we help couples find the peace, trust, and connection they’re looking for.

#betrayaltrauma #marriagerecovery #rebuildingtrust #christianmarriage #mensmentalhealth

When he refuses to deal with his own health, it isn’t just his problem. It lands on you too, and you already carry enough.

Maybe you’re the one tracking his appointments, noticing whether he’s taking his meds, wondering if you have to manage his health on top of everything else. There’s a difference between a man taking care of himself and a man numbing himself, and you can see it from the outside.

Jay shares the story of a car his mom couldn’t afford to fix, and the rule that shaped how he lived for years: if something rattles, turn up the radio. What that cost his health, his marriage, and Lori.

Real health isn’t about the gym. It’s whether he sees a doctor, takes his medication, and stops assuming everything’s fine. A rule that protects you: you can care about his health without becoming his nurse, and definitely not his mother.

We also cover mental health, why men are more isolated and more at risk, and why talking to someone is not weakness.

If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US).

This is the last Foundation Stone. Next: the storms themselves.

If he’s ready, send him to StormReadyMen.com to take the assessment. Explore the C.U.R.E. Method at TheCoupleCure.com.

Timestamps
0:00 His health becomes your load
0:44 There’s a difference: taking care vs numbing
0:51 The radio story
2:05 What real health looks like
2:54 It’s not your job to manage him
3:31 Mental health counts too
3:49 988 Crisis Lifeline
4:13 Stop treating his refusal as normal
5:17 Last foundation stone
—

Next Steps & Resources:

• Explore the C.U.R.E. Method: https://thecouplecure.com
• Join Storm Ready Men: https://stormreadymen.com
• The Basics of Rebuilding Trust: https://jayandloripyatt.gumroad.com/l/LzMJm
• New to the Channel? Start with our 5 seasons of foundational content here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLitabWxO9iDI1-ByymvBpwaiTB0sozSjL

We want to hear from you—how can we best support you in this new season? Let us know in the comments.

To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/28EfZh4vJ4yQbbwg6i57W02

— Who is This Channel For? If your marriage has been impacted by addiction — whether you’re the one struggling or the one carrying the pain — this channel is for you. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s compulsive pornography use. We found a way through it. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we help couples find the peace, trust, and connection they’re looking for.

A mentor can help your husband’s recovery grow faster than you can on your own, and that’s a relief, not a knock on you. If you’ve been carrying his accountability, this is the weight you can finally set down.

For a long time you’ve likely been the one holding him accountable, pointing out his blind spots, and managing his progress. It’s exhausting, and it doesn’t have to be your job. A mentor takes some of that weight off so you can focus on your own healing.

A mentor reaches your husband in a way you can’t, and that’s a good thing. He’s a man further down the road who has already taken off his own mask. When your husband watches someone he respects live it out week after week, he starts showing up differently, not because you asked, but because he’s absorbing a new way of relating to people. With the right mentor, that growth speeds up.

In this video:

Why a mentor reaches him in a way you can’t, and why that helps
How watching someone live it out moves him past box-checking
“Terminal uniqueness” and how a mentor breaks that lie
The character traits that make someone the right fit
How you get healthy input on who that person is
How to help your husband find a mentor

A mentor isn’t a therapist or a replacement for professional help. He’s someone a little further down the road who walks with your husband and lightens the load you’ve been carrying.
Next: self-care and rest, and what real restoration looks like.

Send him to take the free Storm Ready Assessment: https://stormreadymen.com

CHAPTERS:
0:00 – Let his wife meet his mentor
0:05 – You’ve been carrying this for years
0:27 – That’s exhausting
0:31 – A mentor takes the weight off
0:59 – He hears things differently from another man
1:21 – You get a say in who the mentor is
1:41 – The character you wish he already had
2:06 – Privacy vs secrecy
2:25 – Trust your instincts
2:42 – How does he treat people he disagrees with
3:10 – If he won’t let you meet the mentor
3:28 – A mentor sits in the mess without flinching
3:49 – Terminal uniqueness
4:08 – Nobody could be as messed up as I am
4:18 – Permission to stop hiding
4:39 – A mentor pushes him deeper
4:52 – What my mentor taught me about journaling
5:14 – Compassion from someone who’s been there
5:26 – Watching somebody live it out
5:49 – He starts changing because he’s watching
6:09 – Respect without worship
6:30 – He starts applying things without being asked
6:53 – His language changes
7:16 – The trajectory changes
7:29 – He didn’t learn it from you
7:39 – He’s not a therapist
8:09 – You don’t manage it, but you get input
8:35 – Help him find a mentor
8:57 – How I found mine
9:32 – Start with coffee
9:40 – Next episode: self-care and rest
10:00 – Send him to take the assessment

#thecouplecure #betrayaltrauma #marriagerecovery #mentoring #partnerrecovery #addictionrecovery #healingafterbetrayal #terminaluniqueness
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Next Steps & Resources:
• Explore the C.U.R.E. Method: https://thecouplecure.com

• Join Storm Ready Men: https://stormreadymen.com

• The Basics of Rebuilding Trust: https://jayandloripyatt.gumroad.com/l/LzMJm

• To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/28EfZh4vJ4yQbbwg6i57W02

• New to the Channel? Start with our 5 seasons of foundational content here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLitabWxO9iDI1-ByymvBpwaiTB0sozSjL

We want to hear from you—how can we best support you in this new season? Let us know in the comments.

—

Who is This Channel For?

If your marriage has been impacted by addiction — whether you’re the one struggling or the one carrying the pain — this channel is for you.

Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s compulsive pornography use. We found a way through it. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we help couples find the peace, trust, and connection they’re looking for.

He can memorize sports stats, master new software, and name every bird in the sky. But he never learned how to treat the person standing next to him.

It’s not that he can’t learn. He just hasn’t aimed that ability where your relationship needs it most. Not yet.

In this video I share a moment from my own marriage where Lori called me out for learning the name of a bird but never learning how to treat people better. I break down what emotional vocabulary actually is, why he misreads your pain as anger, and what it looks like when the learning starts pointing in the right direction.

Send him to take the free Storm Ready Assessment: https://stormreadymen.com

Book referenced: Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown

CHAPTERS:
0:00 – He can learn anything except this
0:05 – He’s not incapable of learning
0:27 – Where his effort isn’t going
0:45 – Redirecting that capacity
0:54 – The turkey vulture story
1:10 – Learning how to treat people
1:23 – Nobody taught him where to aim
1:36 – Emotional vocabulary
1:57 – What “fine” actually means
2:08 – When the vocabulary starts expanding
2:48 – A book that helps
3:00 – How you’ll know it’s happening
3:16 – Empathy: his ability to read you
3:35 – He sees anger when you’re scared
3:56 – Empathy can be learned
4:20 – He’ll ask instead of assuming
4:25 – Without empathy he stays isolated
4:45 – You’re not asking too much
5:00 – What to watch for
5:52 – Is his language changing
6:19 – His learning is his responsibility
6:23 – You do get a say
6:39 – Next episode: mentoring
7:20 – Send him to take the assessment

#thecouplecure #betrayaltrauma #marriagerecovery #emotionalvocabulary #empathy #partnerrecovery #addictionrecovery #healingafterbetrayal

—

Next Steps & Resources:
• Explore the C.U.R.E. Method: https://thecouplecure.com

• Join Storm Ready Men: https://stormreadymen.com

• The Basics of Rebuilding Trust: https://jayandloripyatt.gumroad.com/l/LzMJm

• New to the Channel? Start with our 5 seasons of foundational content here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLitabWxO9iDI1-ByymvBpwaiTB0sozSjL

We want to hear from you—how can we best support you in this new season? Let us know in the comments.

To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

—

Who is This Channel For?

If your marriage has been impacted by addiction — whether you’re the one struggling or the one carrying the pain — this channel is for you.

Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s compulsive pornography use. We found a way through it. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we help couples find the peace, trust, and connection they’re looking for.

How do you know if the change is real?

You’ve seen him try before. He goes to church, reads the right books, says the right things. But nothing actually changes. And you’re left wondering if this time is different or if it’s just another performance.

In this video I break down what real self-awareness looks like from the outside, why he gets so defensive when you bring things up, and 5 specific signs that the work is actually happening. Not because he’s performing for you. Because something shifted inside him.

Send him to take the free Storm Ready Assessment: https://stormreadymen.com

CHAPTERS:
0:00 – How do you know if it’s real?
0:07 – His two modes
0:45 – What’s been missing
1:05 – The three-legged stool
1:36 – Why he can’t hear you
1:48 – What’s happening inside him
2:14 – It’s not your fault
2:30 – When self-awareness starts
3:02 – When shame holds him hostage
3:34 – Why you feel dangerous to him
3:57 – What real change sounds like
4:05 – 5 signs it’s real
4:43 – The performer vs the real thing
4:50 – His work, not yours
5:32 – The stool comes together
6:01 – What to watch for this week
6:19 – Next episode
6:33 – Send him to Storm Ready Men

#thecouplecure #betrayaltrauma #marriagerecovery #partnerrecovery #recoveryisreal #selfawareness #addictionrecovery #healingafterbetrayal

—

Next Steps & Resources:
• Explore the C.U.R.E. Method: https://thecouplecure.com

• Join Storm Ready Men: https://stormreadymen.com

• The Basics of Rebuilding Trust: https://jayandloripyatt.gumroad.com/l/LzMJm

• New to the Channel? Start with our 5 seasons of foundational content here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLitabWxO9iDI1-ByymvBpwaiTB0sozSjL

We want to hear from you—how can we best support you in this new season? Let us know in the comments.

To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

—

Who is This Channel For?

If your marriage has been impacted by addiction — whether you’re the one struggling or the one carrying the pain — this channel is for you.

Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s compulsive pornography use. We found a way through it. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we help couples find the peace, trust, and connection they’re looking for.

#TheCoupleCure #BetrayalTrauma #ShameRaincoat #BetrayedWife #MarriageRecovery #BrokenTrust #RecoveryJourney #EmotionalIntimacy #RelationalStorms #StormReadyMen #MensMentalHealth #HusbandRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal

He’s built the same wall between himself and God that he’s built between himself and you.

He goes to church. He prays. He reads the right books. He checks every box. And nothing changes. Not because he’s faking it. Because none of it has actually become his.

In this video I explain why men in recovery treat God like another item on a to-do list, what an “inherited faith” costs him, and what real spiritual change actually looks like when it starts to happen (it’s not what you’d expect).

If you’re married to a man in recovery, send him to take the free Storm Ready Assessment: https://stormreadymen.com

CHAPTERS:
0:00 – The wall he’s built
0:17 – Knowledge vs experience
0:43 – The man who feels nothing
1:06 – A God of his understanding
1:40 – What real change looks like
2:36 – The resume for God
3:00 – The loving father
3:58 – The shame raincoat
4:21 – Mountaintop faith fades fast
4:46 – Paying attention
5:25 – You’re not his spiritual director
5:43 – The plastic bag story
6:15 – It’s not your fault
6:35 – Send him to Storm Ready Men
6:54 – Next episode: self-acceptance

#thecouplecure #betrayaltrauma #marriagerecovery #partnerrecovery #faithandrecovery #healingafterbetrayal #shamerecovery #addictionrecovery

—

Next Steps & Resources:
• Explore the C.U.R.E. Method: https://thecouplecure.com

• Join Storm Ready Men: https://stormreadymen.com

• The Basics of Rebuilding Trust: https://jayandloripyatt.gumroad.com/l/LzMJm

• New to the Channel? Start with our 5 seasons of foundational content here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLitabWxO9iDI1-ByymvBpwaiTB0sozSjL

We want to hear from you—how can we best support you in this new season? Let us know in the comments.

To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

—

Who is This Channel For?

If your marriage has been impacted by addiction — whether you’re the one struggling or the one carrying the pain — this channel is for you.

Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s compulsive pornography use. We found a way through it. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we help couples find the peace, trust, and connection they’re looking for.

#TheCoupleCure #BetrayalTrauma #ShameRaincoat #BetrayedWife #MarriageRecovery #BrokenTrust #RecoveryJourney #EmotionalIntimacy #RelationalStorms #StormReadyMen #MensMentalHealth #HusbandRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal

It’s not your fault that your words don’t get through.
Your husband carries something called a shame raincoat. Every affirmation, every positive thing you say hits that raincoat and washes away. Not because your words are wrong. Because the shame keeps telling him he’s broken.

That raincoat doesn’t come off in contact with you. It comes off when he connects with other men who say “I’ve been there.” Not men who make his behavior okay. Men who call him out and make it okay for him to change.

In this video I explain why he’s isolated, why your words feel ineffective, and what kind of relationships he actually needs to begin healing. This isn’t about giving him permission to hang out with the boys. This is about building something he’s probably never learned how to do.

Send him to the Storm Ready Men channel: [link]

Take the free assessment: https://stormreadymen.com

Timestamps
00:00 – It’s Not Your Fault
00:10 – The Shame Raincoat
00:43 – Why Your Words Don’t Get Through
01:33 – How the Shame Comes Off
02:06 – It’s Not Your Fault (His Beliefs Keep Him Stuck)
02:28 – Why He’s Isolated
02:53 – Enabling vs Real Accountability
03:16 – He Needs an Inner Circle
03:55 – I Was in a Room Full of People and Felt Alone
04:25 – How to Build Deeper Relationships
05:14 – Polite Distant Conversations
05:53 – Learning to Be Vulnerable
06:16 – What Storm Ready Men Is About
06:58 – What I Want for Your Husband
07:20 – Why I Built Storm Ready
07:45 – This Is Not Permission to Hang Out
08:15 – The Kind of Men I Want Him to Find
08:44 – Take the Assessment

—

Next Steps & Resources:
• Explore the C.U.R.E. Method: https://thecouplecure.com

• Join Storm Ready Men: https://stormreadymen.com

• The Basics of Rebuilding Trust: https://jayandloripyatt.gumroad.com/l/LzMJm

• New to the Channel? Start with our 5 seasons of foundational content here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLitabWxO9iDI1-ByymvBpwaiTB0sozSjL

We want to hear from you—how can we best support you in this new season? Let us know in the comments.

To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

—

Who is This Channel For?

If your marriage has been impacted by addiction — whether you’re the one struggling or the one carrying the pain — this channel is for you.

Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s compulsive pornography use. We found a way through it. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we help couples find the peace, trust, and connection they’re looking for.

#TheCoupleCure #BetrayalTrauma #ShameRaincoat #BetrayedWife #MarriageRecovery #BrokenTrust #RecoveryJourney #EmotionalIntimacy #RelationalStorms #StormReadyMen #MensMentalHealth #HusbandRecovery #HealingAfterBetrayal

If you’ve ever thought “if he really loved me, he wouldn’t have done this” — this video is for you.

We asked Jay — a recovered addict and betrayal trauma mentor — to say out loud the things most addicted husbands never explain to their wives. Not excuses. Not deflection. Just the truth about what’s actually happening inside a man who keeps hurting the person he claims to love.

What you’ll hear in this video:
Why his addiction was never about you — and what it actually was about
Why he treated physical intimacy like a measuring stick for the entire relationship
Why addicts treat loneliness with isolation instead of connection
How to tell if he’s actually changing — or just not using
What he’s misinterpreting every time you bring up your pain
Why “she didn’t want to” is never the real reason
The one truth that every betrayed wife needs to hear about whether she was ever enough

This is one of the most honest conversations we’ve had on this channel.

If it resonates, drop a comment below. We read every one.

Timestamps
00:35 He Loves You. He Just Loves Numbing Out More.
02:47 How to Ask Without Triggering a Shutdown
05:05 Why Physical Intimacy Became His Measuring Stick
06:29 Only Addicts Treat Loneliness With Isolation
08:13 Watch How He Acts When He Doesn’t Get His Way
10:52 He Thinks Your Pain Is an Attack
12:10 Don’t Drown Saving Your Marriage
13:33 The Justifications He Actually Believes
14:55 This Was Never About Whether You’re Enough
16:12 Questions for You

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To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

—

Who is This Channel For?

If your marriage has been impacted by addiction — whether you’re the one struggling or the one carrying the pain — this channel is for you.

Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s compulsive pornography use. We found a way through it. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we help couples find the peace, trust, and connection they’re looking for.

#relationships
#marriageadvice

Have you ever brought your pain to your husband, only to be told “you’re shaming me” — and did the conversation end right there?

In this episode, Jay admits on camera that he knowingly used shame as a tactic to shut Lori down. Not because she was attacking him. But because it worked.

We walk through 8 QUESTIONS about how shame operates in addiction and betrayal trauma — including the difference between legitimate shame that leads to change and illegitimate shame that becomes a hiding place. Jay also shares what he was actually protecting when he claimed he felt ashamed, and what belief about himself would have changed everything.

If you’ve been told you’re “shaming him” just for bringing up your pain, this one is for you.

Questions we cover:

When does legitimate shame stop being remorse and start becoming an excuse?
Did Jay knowingly use “you’re shaming me” to stop the conversation?
What if shame over thinking you’re a bad person actually makes you a bad person?
What was he really protecting?
What do wives misunderstand about how addicts use shame?

Questions for the comments:

Have you ever been told you were shaming him just for bringing up your pain?
Does his shame look like the start of brokenness — or defensiveness?
Addicts: what do you fear more — looking bad, or hurting your wife?
—

To Rebuild Trust – https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/
To Recover from Betrayal Trauma – https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/
Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay – https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/
To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

—
Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck–whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship–this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice

“Did my own empathy actually make it easier for you to keep lying?” In this episode, Jay answers 10 hard questions about the hidden dynamics of deception in their marriage.

We dive into:
•DECEPTION DELIGHT Why some addicts pride themselves on the “high” of hiding the truth.
•EXPLOSIVE FIGHTS: When Jay exploded during every fight, was it used as a tactic to shut down the conversation and avoid consequences.
•DEFAULT MODE ofAddiction: Why ‘time’ doesn’t heal an addict who isn’t in active recovery.
If you’ve ever felt like your attempts to help are only making things worse, this video is for you. We explore the thin line between being supportive and inadvertently providing the “distance” an addiction needs to thrive.

Timestamps
0:00 Intro
0:47 One TACTIC Jay used to use
1:25 Empty house = opportunity to act out (trying to have a life enabled him)
03:52 Time heals wounds but IT DOES NOT HEAL THIS (why waiting doesn’t work)
06:14 The GUILT TRIP: “You’re supposed to FORGIVE me”
07:17 The addicts delusion
08:51 What happens when there are no consequences
09:07 “Created BAD FIGHTS so I’d stop talking?”
10:52 Quick acceptance of lies = back to STATUS QUO
11:26 “Console me when you should confront me” (when he camped on his bad past)
12:47 Empathy or something else: What ACTUALLY got his attention ⭐
14:43 “Tell her to back off” – when people enabled his addiction

—

To Rebuild Trust – https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/
To Recover from Betrayal Trauma – https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/
Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay – https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/
To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

—
Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck–whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship–this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice

The “Good Guy” act was the very thing making me a monster.

In this episode, Jay and Lori discuss the “reckoning” that happens when an addict finally stops managing their image. For years, Jay tried to convince himself and everyone else that he was just a “guy who liked porn”, but the reality was much darker.

We discuss:

The “Monster” Paradox: How the effort to not look like a monster is actually what makes you one.

Physical Destruction: The moment Jay realized his stress was causing Lori’s body to shut down—leading to early menopause and her hair turning white.

The Permanent Limp: Why time does not heal all wounds, and why some parts of a marriage may never reach “100% repair.”

No More Escape Routes: The “preponderance of evidence” that finally forced Jay to own the depth of the damage.

“I would much rather be misunderstood and have a tomorrow, than do all the crap I was doing at that point.”

—

To Rebuild Trust – https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/
To Recover from Betrayal Trauma – https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/
Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay – https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/
To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

—
Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck–whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship–this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice

I used to go to meetings where we spent 5 minutes on sobriety and 55 minutes shooting the breeze. The truth? I liked it that way. In this video, we expose the ‘Good Old Boy’ network and why comfort is the enemy of real change.

n this episode, Jay and Lori dive into the “soft accountability” trap that many men fall into. Jay confesses how he used to whitewash his relapses and how his accountability partners—including a church leader—failed to challenge him because they were struggling themselves. We discuss the “Good Old Boy Network” in recovery and why “nothing but grace” can actually be a form of enabling.

In this video, we cover:

– Why “passive accountability” is often worse than no accountability at all.
– The “24-Hour Rule”: Why Jay requires addicts to tell their wives about slips within 24 hours.
– Why sobriety breeds sobriety and the importance of a mentor with long-term freedom.
– The role of the church in addressing addiction and domestic abuse.

Question for the comments:

For Wives: What does real accountability look like to you in your husband’s recovery?

For Addicts: What could a mentor have said that would have finally “pierced the fog” for you?

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To Rebuild Trust – https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/
To Recover from Betrayal Trauma – https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/
Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay – https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/
To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

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Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck–whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship–this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice
#marriagerecovery
#pornaddictionhelp
#healingrelationships

After 28 years, I finally understand the mind-pretzel logic that kept my husband stuck in addiction: “Everyone leaves because I’m fundamentally broken, so I might as well use porn. But you’re NOT allowed to point out my brokenness, or YOU’RE the bad one.”

In this episode, we break down Jay’s Plan A, B, and C – and why he never planned for the one where I could agree with him about his flaws without him exploding or expecting me to leave.

The revelation that changed everything for me: Jay didn’t see me as his wife. He saw me as just another level of enemy – closer than most, but still someone who would eventually use ammunition against him.

This explains why it was easier for him to let me file for divorce than to let me point out a single flaw. His ego couldn’t handle being seen, even by someone who loved him.

For the wives watching: If you’ve tried the “compliment-concern-commitment” approach perfectly for months and he still attacks you, you’re not crazy. He might just like to fight. Try it for six months like I did, then trust what you see.

For the men watching: If you’re stuck in “everyone’s against me” thinking, this video shows you how to find actually trustworthy people and build real vulnerability instead of keeping everyone at arm’s length as potential threats.

Preemptive victimhood doesn’t make you the victim. It turns you into the perpetrator.

Episode referenced: “She’s the Enemy” (December 15th)
What we cover:

-Why “thank you” wasn’t enough (but “this hurts me” was too much)
-The narcissistic response to having flaws pointed out
-How the Three C’s approach worked (and when it didn’t)
-“Different levels of enemies” – the mindset that blocks real connection
-The college friend Jay screamed at for 2 hours
-How to test if someone is actually trustworthy
-Why strong emotions from your wife mean she loves you, not hates you

Timestamps
00:00 Cold Open: Preemptive Victimhood Made Him the Perpetrator
00:37 The Mind-Pretzel: I’m Broken But You Can’t Say It
02:44 Plan A, B, C: He Never Expected Me to Agree
04:43 Easier for Me to Leave Than for His Ego to Break
06:47 I Tried the Three C’s Perfectly for Six Months (He Still Attacked)
09:43 Everybody’s Different (Learning to Trust Again)
10:47 Just Different Levels of Enemies (No Real Friends)
12:03 How to Find People Who Are Actually Trustworthy
13:54 When Victimhood Turns You Into the Abuser

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To Rebuild Trust – https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/
To Recover from Betrayal Trauma – https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/
Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay – https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/
To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

—
Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck–whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship–this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice

“The one I thought you were gonna say is: she’s the enemy.”

For years, Jay didn’t just lie to me about his addiction. He lied to himself about WHO I was. And those lies kept him stuck in porn for decades.

The 5 lies addicts believe about their wives:

She’s the enemy – Anyone who sees a crack in the mask must be stopped and hushed
She’s gonna leave anyway – So why bother trying? Might as well do whatever I want
She doesn’t care about me – I’m not that important to her (justification to use)
She’s too angry to handle the truth – When really, he feared rejection and being alone
She won’t meet my expectations – Unspoken demands that turn into resentment and reasons to look elsewhere

The shocking part? Jay admits: “I am an abuser, and abusers dominate. And that’s what I did.”
He made me easy to dominate. He sufficiently shut me up. He turned me from a mirror (reflecting his behavior) into a shield (protecting him from truth).
Why this matters:

These beliefs aren’t about you – they’re about attachment issues and fear
Most addicts don’t even know they believe these lies
The goal was never sex – it was avoiding being truly known
Without consistent boundaries, addicts will keep crossing lines

For partners: If he sees you as the enemy for pointing out flaws, if he believes you’ll leave no matter what, if he resents you for not meeting unspoken expectations – these are the lies keeping him stuck.
For addicts: Your wife could have made recovery so much easier. But your false beliefs about her became your excuse to keep using. The truth? You should have taken your needs to God, not porn.

What lie did your addict believe about you? Comment below.

CHAPTERS
00:00 Cold Open: “She’s the Enemy”
00:31 Intro: The Lies Addicts Tell Themselves
00:51 Belief #1: You’re Gonna Leave Anyway
02:20 Belief #2: She’s the Enemy
03:52 Did You See Me as Too Weak or Too Angry?
06:12 The Pride and Shame Paradox
08:33 Did You Need Me or Did I Need to Fix You?
10:18 Hot Take: I’m Sick of “Power Over” People
10:29 Were You Sure I’d Never Leave?
10:42 Mirror or Shield? (How He Shut Me Up)
11:47 TRUTH: I Am an Abuser – Addicts Dominate
12:03 Did Fear of Losing Me Compete With Certainty?
13:21 It’s Not About You – It’s Attachment Issues
14:05 My Rock or My Reason to Use Porn?
15:31 The Truth: Unspoken Expectations Breed Resentment
16:37 What Should My Role Have Been?
17:07 The Importance of Consistent Boundaries
18:41 Questions for Viewers
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To Rebuild Trust – https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/
To Recover from Betrayal Trauma – https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/
Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay – https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/
To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww

—
Who is This Channel For?

If porn addiction has you stuck–whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship–this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking.

#betrayal
#relationships
#pornaddiction
#marriageadvice