The Already and the Not Yet (Grief)

I heard it again yesterday… another woman said, “Not that I want to harm myself, but I sure am okay with God taking me home.” (Writing this brings tears to my eyes because it says so much about the despair you may be feeling right this very minute.)

Her words made my thoughts turn to heaven.

Now a lot of women who come to me have been so deadened that it’s difficult for them to dream of a better life. Yet many of them still look toward heaven.

Thinking on it this morning, a term I heard at church came to mind: “We’re living in the Already and the Not Yet.”

But then another thought came to mind: “God… ‘already in heaven’ after betrayal?!?! ‘Already’ receiving your promises? How can this be true? It can feel like hell, not heaven!”

The Already
Now, I don’t mean to make light of what betrayed women have experienced. It’s enough trauma to rewire their brain, which tells me it’s no-joke.

And while this is true, there is still some respite to be found knowing that there is a God who grieves with us… and angers over this with us.

In fact, one time I asked God why it felt like He was so silent. I felt His answer, “Because I am grieving right alongside you.” And this brought the blessings of heaven just one step closer to me, helping me know God is not unacquainted with this grief.

I was living a-little-bit-in-heaven Already.

The Not Yet
Yet we’re not in heaven yet, and this is where women say they’re ready to be taken home.





Feeling the pain of the “Not Yet.”


There is another truth to this: When we’re in heaven, all this won’t matter to us anymore.

It won’t matter anymore!

It won’t hurt anymore!!!

And the thought of that gives me a bit of peace.

What thoughts come to your mind about this topic?

Comments 5

  1. Oh how I can relate about the thought of rather be in heaven right now. Just like the other ladies not suicidal but want to be in heaven where it is pain free. This is the most painful thing I have been through. I do have a question if your husband says he isn’t doing porn anymore how do you believe it or trust him. I guess I am really doubting it now since lying is so common with this. I need help! It’s Christmas time and I don’t even want to celebrate anything.

  2. Thank you for the wonderful insight. It helps me understand my feelings a little more clearly.
    After 4.5 years of my relationship, my fiancée finally “agreed” to “stop watching porn.”
    I must say that he lied to me over and over for 4.5 years to me never was ever watching it.
    I don’t believe that he has stopped, however is better at hiding it.
    He doesn’t for a moment understand the betrayal or hurt that I’m experiencing.
    All he says is, he’s stopped and that should be good enough for me.
    Our intimacy is and always has been terrible.
    From what I’ve been reading, that is typical in our circumstances.
    I constantly obsess over this. Although, am coming to a point of indifference.
    Thanks for listening.

    1. Post

      Oh, “Beth”, my heart aches reading your words. It can be so disheartening to find out he never stopped. You said you were becoming indifferent… please, please, stay plugged into your own life and senses. One of the worst things I see after betrayal is women who become empty shells of themselves. I want you to have more than that!

      So please do whatever you can to stay engaged with your own life and where God is taking you.

      You also wrote: “I don’t believe that he has stopped, however is better at hiding it.”

      I just got off an interview where after the host said, “This is such a problem in the world–in and out of the church.” To which I answered, “I’ve heard guys in the church say, ‘We use porn just as much as those outside the church… we just lie about it more.”

      UGH!!! (Lord, please have mercy on us all.)

  3. I think I have been one of the many to tell you that very thing Lori, that I’m not suicidal but I wish so desperately the Lord would take me home. I don’t know why I’m so surprised to hear that you keep hearing this same message from others. In a weird way it validates and therefore comforts me. The way you understand and clearly validate and communicate our pain brings me so much comfort and a huge sigh of relief. My gratitude for your faithfulness to help us is huge. When so many in this profession don’t understand the trauma we spouses of SA walk, and then you so clearly explain it, it feels to me like being able to come up from deep deep waters and finally able to get some fresh air deep in my lungs. Praises to God that He has gifted you with this understanding and boldness to address it. Thank you for your faithfulness to us, to help us through this journey towards healing and wholeness in the NOT YET.

    1. Post

      Awww, Suzanne, your words bring tears to my eyes. Thank you. I am so happy to be able to help you and other women going through this.

      And yes, I remember the call where you said those words, wishing so desperately to be taken home.

      Ugh! That’s such a hard place to be. The Bible even addresses it, I believe–“…despairing unto death,” shich helps to validate our experience even more. More proof He is not unacquainted with our grief.

      And thank you again for your kind words.

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