Here are some things to keep in mind if you want your guy to get help:
-know how he really feels about it
-know if there’s hope he’ll change
-know the different recovery options (books, men’s retreats, audio programs, counseling, accountability partnerships, 12-Step groups, video series, intensive retreats, inpatient treatment programs, mentoring)
-know the success rates for the different recovery options
-know how the recovery process can sometimes go
-know what to expect once he becomes sober
If you’ve read these and still feel like there’s hope he might get better, then definitely encourage him to get help.
My husband, Jay, is a Certified Mentor, but keep in mind he’s also pretty unique because:
He can help your partner stop using porn,
he can ALSO help your guy
rebuild trust and restore your relationship.
Not many other resources do that.
(By the way… a large majority of the guys my husband is currently working with are maintaining their sobriety.) Feel free to encourage your partner to visit Jay’s website.
All the best to you in your journey.
The day after our anniversary I found out again he was chatting online and watching porn, he still wont admit to it so I told him to leave in the morning. I hate him.
Kellie, I am so sorry to hear that.
I honestly believe the reason women hate porn is because they instinctively know it’s so close to reaching out to real women, and I hate hearing that’s what your husband has done.
I understand you feeling like you hate him… I don’t think I would feel much different after finding that out, and I may have told him to leave in the same way–especially if he was still denying it.
I hope what happens some of the time is true for you; that when you draw that big of a boundary, that it serves as a wake-up call to your guy and he gets his act together. But if he’s still in denial and hopes you’ll be in denial as well, sometimes the only hope is to be willing to walk away just so you can see how far he will let you go. If he lets you go fully, it says a lot about him, so let it teach you about what he really wants in life.
Take care of yourself during this season of your life. God’s best to you, Kellie!
I am convinced my husband has been clean from porn for over a year now, but new issues have arisen in the form of raging tantrums. He is verbally abusive telling me he hates me and leaving me without contact on some occasions recently for 3 days. I knew he was going to work because we have a GPS connection, but after all the mean things that he had said about not being able to stand to be around me, I went through fearing that he would divorce me. Anyway, my question is if you would be willing to mentor someone who needs that kind of help.
When I shared the letter article you wrote with him to let him know it was healing for me since I believed he would have said those things if he had had the words, he was very insulted since he said he didn’t watch porn anymore, even though I explained that I viewed it as relevant to our current challenges with the abuse.
I am not a quitter, but I wonder how to move forward with someone who appears to fit the profile of a classic Narcissist.
Can you help if I can convince him to reach out to you?
Thanks either way and blessings in abundance on you and your wife’s ministry!
Hello Shalom, It’s Lori (the wife of the guy who wrote the (Apology Letter to Wives”). I’m sorry your husband has become so harsh. Unfortunately, though, that is exactly the thing that does the most damage. I’ve heard it time and time again–wives say, “The sexual betrayal was one thing, the lying was another,” but the horrible conversations afterward is where they become empty shells of themselves. So I really wish this wasn’t happening to you!
To answer your question: Do we help couples in this situation? Yes, it’s actually one of the main things I do–to help a wife who’s being treated this way. My husband also helps guys who are doing this to their wives, BUT the guy has to be in a place to want help. My work with the wife can sometimes get him to this place.
In your situation, feel free to have him email my husband (jay [at] porniskillingme [dot] com), and just remember you deserve a good life no matter what your husband choses to do. Feel free to use my Contact Me page if you’re interested in more information.
But even if I don’t hear from you again, please take care of yourself. The fallout after betrayal is usually the worst, so please: Be your own best advocate!
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