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Does he get defensive, shut down, or turn it around on you when you bring up how he hurt you? Here’s what’s really going on inside him, and what has to change.
“It’s not that you’re not listening. It’s that you’re still hurting.”
In this video:
– “WE NEED TO TALK”: why four words send him into fight or flight
– “I’VE ALREADY APOLOGIZED”: why your question keeps coming back
– OWN IT, THEN DENY IT: the pattern that makes you doubt yourself
– BECAUSE IT WORKS: what defensiveness protects him from
If you’ve rewritten the script a hundred times and still end up defending yourself, this one’s for you.
Part of The Couple Cure. Companion episode on Storm Ready Men, for him.
Timestamps:
0:00 You came with a hurt
0:16 Thousands of conversations
0:30 How defensiveness shows up
1:00 Four words: “We need to talk”
1:33 What defensiveness sounds like
1:52 “I’ve already apologized”
2:04 You are still in pain
2:23 He owns it, then denies it
2:39 He hands the blame back to you
3:02 Agree once, deny it later
3:27 “Is she even listening?”
3:42 Your question is about ownership
4:10 It’s not that you’re not listening
4:21 Why: wanting her to tell me who I am
5:15 The fear underneath: rejection
6:11 ⭐ Why he does it: because it works
6:38 “You’re overreacting”
6:48 She changes the script, then stops
7:10 Your pain is not getting heard
7:27 The handy distraction
8:00 What had to change in me
8:19 Practice before the jump
8:56 He can get there
9:26 Support for you
9:42 Next time: sex and sexual imagery
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Next Steps & Resources:
• Explore the C.U.R.E. Method: https://thecouplecure.com
• Join Storm Ready Men: https://stormreadymen.com
• The Basics of Rebuilding Trust: https://jayandloripyatt.gumroad.com/l/LzMJm
• New to the Channel? Start with our 5 seasons of foundational content here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLitabWxO9iDI1-ByymvBpwaiTB0sozSjL
We want to hear from you—how can we best support you in this new season? Let us know in the comments.
To Say Thanks (“Tip Jar”) – https://buy.stripe.com/28EfZh4vJ4yQbbwg6i57W02
— Who is This Channel For? If your marriage has been impacted by addiction — whether you’re the one struggling or the one carrying the pain — this channel is for you. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s compulsive pornography use. We found a way through it. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we help couples find the peace, trust, and connection they’re looking for.
#TheCoupleCure #BetrayalTrauma #MarriageAdvice #DefensiveHusband